the shady attempts of a southpaw to knit. or in other words, how to reverse decreases and knit right handed continental.

27.2.06

the olympics are over, and i didnt even place

so the olympics finished yesterday. guess how much of my pair of socks i finished? oh... 49% not even one sock. however, i will keep working, because i am a glutton for punishment.

i gave out my blog address to one of my coworkers yesterday, and it scares me. there is a certain fear involved with being completely open to people, especially people i only see on a semi-regular basis. the other fear is that somehow, with this promotion coming, that i've endangered any hope of moving up within starbucks. truth be told, while i am looking forward to a new challenge, and the excitement of the learning curve, the main motivator is the fact that we can't pay our bills. we're trying desperately to get out of debt so we can return to the mission field, but it just seems like we can't make a bit of headway. sometimes i feel very overlooked by "jehovah jireh" (the charismatic pseudo hebrew translation of "The Lord my Provider")
i know that the Lord is the one who provides for me, and for the most part He has. the places He hasn't provided, especially in having a comfortable income, must be on purpose. but for the most part, i'm really tired of paying everything late because we just don't make enough money to live. i'm whining now, but there is something to be said about not having the fear of the power being shut off because my hours got slashed at work, and spence's company won't give him overtime.
God, please help me trust you.
i'm fasting again this week, trying to quiet myself before the Lord again. i have been so scattered, afraid and angry. there are so many places of darkness in my heart, and while i revel in the vindictiveness of hurting people i do not like, i know that my stance should be one of mercy. how do we reconcile the longing for vindication (related to vindictive, i bet) and the necessity of grace?
to quote tolkien - " i want to see mountains again Gandalf, mountains!" that is how i feel right now. i have walked these self imposed valleys, valleys of my own deceit, and selfishness, and i want to see the Lord again. lifted up, and glorified in me. i don't know how to lay "me" down, and i desire it more than anything. how do you put into words the essential desire of the Christian walk? to see the Lord.... i need some more coffee, and this time, i'm not going to starbucks. but don't tell anyone.

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