the shady attempts of a southpaw to knit. or in other words, how to reverse decreases and knit right handed continental.

27.2.06

feeling separated

so i started searching myspace, for old friends... i'm stoked about finding two of my roommates from ywam. one of them lives about 45 minutes away, and i think i'll be seeing her soon. however, i found it really sad that i couldn't remember the names of most of the people from my school. there were only 30 of us, and of the 30, i could only think of 3 names. i have lost contact with most of the people that have mattered most to me, drawing my circle in closer and closer. in some ways, i think this blog is an attempt to branch out into the wider world. for the longest time, spencer and i have built up our defenses, trying to keep out the infiltration of our small army of 2. i think that we have fought many lonely battles, with no support other than one another, and we need to reopen our lines. i am feeling separated from the Body, and in more than just a "i have no friends" sort of way. there is so much change and growth happening in the world, and i find myself being completely unaware of the Lord's moving in the Earth. i have friends serving the Lord on every continent, and yet i can't seem to email them. but yet, i whine because i miss them. anyone noticing a problem? there has to be a balance between opening myself up to my brothers and sisters, and being too loose with my affairs. i'm not sure if i'm making sense, but i want to be wise with my words, and yet be open to others about what's really going on.
the thing that makes this hard, is my job. i was pretty much told that i could no longer have friends at the store i work in, for fear of somehow playing favorites, or appearing that way. so people i really felt were my friends no longer can be. and people i have just met or started getting to know cannot really hang out with me, or in any way appear that we are more than just work acquaintances. at one time, i would have been unconcerned, but i am feeling separated from the people i used to consider close friends. L has become increasingly religious and judgemental, to the point of considering knitting and fiction to be idols that Christians should not indulge in or worship. i can't even talk to her anymore about the Lord, because i am too radical, and she is always right in her spiritual assessments, even if she's wrong. M is busy with school, and we never seem to make time to hang out. A is in Guatemala, and the last time we talked was november of 05... i've emailed her a couple times, and she's emailed back, but it's not the same any more, and i don't know what happened. J is a complete atheist now, and i am really disheartened as to what happened between him and the Lord.
i know this whole post has been awfully self-centered, but i think sometimes i pretend like everything's okay, when i am internally crumbling. Lord, let me find my home in you.

"The great God between your shoulder blades
To protect you in your going and returning,
The Son of the Virgin Mary be close to your heart,
And the perfect Holy Ghost be keeping an eye on you."

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