the shady attempts of a southpaw to knit. or in other words, how to reverse decreases and knit right handed continental.

27.2.06

feeling separated

so i started searching myspace, for old friends... i'm stoked about finding two of my roommates from ywam. one of them lives about 45 minutes away, and i think i'll be seeing her soon. however, i found it really sad that i couldn't remember the names of most of the people from my school. there were only 30 of us, and of the 30, i could only think of 3 names. i have lost contact with most of the people that have mattered most to me, drawing my circle in closer and closer. in some ways, i think this blog is an attempt to branch out into the wider world. for the longest time, spencer and i have built up our defenses, trying to keep out the infiltration of our small army of 2. i think that we have fought many lonely battles, with no support other than one another, and we need to reopen our lines. i am feeling separated from the Body, and in more than just a "i have no friends" sort of way. there is so much change and growth happening in the world, and i find myself being completely unaware of the Lord's moving in the Earth. i have friends serving the Lord on every continent, and yet i can't seem to email them. but yet, i whine because i miss them. anyone noticing a problem? there has to be a balance between opening myself up to my brothers and sisters, and being too loose with my affairs. i'm not sure if i'm making sense, but i want to be wise with my words, and yet be open to others about what's really going on.
the thing that makes this hard, is my job. i was pretty much told that i could no longer have friends at the store i work in, for fear of somehow playing favorites, or appearing that way. so people i really felt were my friends no longer can be. and people i have just met or started getting to know cannot really hang out with me, or in any way appear that we are more than just work acquaintances. at one time, i would have been unconcerned, but i am feeling separated from the people i used to consider close friends. L has become increasingly religious and judgemental, to the point of considering knitting and fiction to be idols that Christians should not indulge in or worship. i can't even talk to her anymore about the Lord, because i am too radical, and she is always right in her spiritual assessments, even if she's wrong. M is busy with school, and we never seem to make time to hang out. A is in Guatemala, and the last time we talked was november of 05... i've emailed her a couple times, and she's emailed back, but it's not the same any more, and i don't know what happened. J is a complete atheist now, and i am really disheartened as to what happened between him and the Lord.
i know this whole post has been awfully self-centered, but i think sometimes i pretend like everything's okay, when i am internally crumbling. Lord, let me find my home in you.

"The great God between your shoulder blades
To protect you in your going and returning,
The Son of the Virgin Mary be close to your heart,
And the perfect Holy Ghost be keeping an eye on you."

the olympics are over, and i didnt even place

so the olympics finished yesterday. guess how much of my pair of socks i finished? oh... 49% not even one sock. however, i will keep working, because i am a glutton for punishment.

i gave out my blog address to one of my coworkers yesterday, and it scares me. there is a certain fear involved with being completely open to people, especially people i only see on a semi-regular basis. the other fear is that somehow, with this promotion coming, that i've endangered any hope of moving up within starbucks. truth be told, while i am looking forward to a new challenge, and the excitement of the learning curve, the main motivator is the fact that we can't pay our bills. we're trying desperately to get out of debt so we can return to the mission field, but it just seems like we can't make a bit of headway. sometimes i feel very overlooked by "jehovah jireh" (the charismatic pseudo hebrew translation of "The Lord my Provider")
i know that the Lord is the one who provides for me, and for the most part He has. the places He hasn't provided, especially in having a comfortable income, must be on purpose. but for the most part, i'm really tired of paying everything late because we just don't make enough money to live. i'm whining now, but there is something to be said about not having the fear of the power being shut off because my hours got slashed at work, and spence's company won't give him overtime.
God, please help me trust you.
i'm fasting again this week, trying to quiet myself before the Lord again. i have been so scattered, afraid and angry. there are so many places of darkness in my heart, and while i revel in the vindictiveness of hurting people i do not like, i know that my stance should be one of mercy. how do we reconcile the longing for vindication (related to vindictive, i bet) and the necessity of grace?
to quote tolkien - " i want to see mountains again Gandalf, mountains!" that is how i feel right now. i have walked these self imposed valleys, valleys of my own deceit, and selfishness, and i want to see the Lord again. lifted up, and glorified in me. i don't know how to lay "me" down, and i desire it more than anything. how do you put into words the essential desire of the Christian walk? to see the Lord.... i need some more coffee, and this time, i'm not going to starbucks. but don't tell anyone.

20.2.06

lazy blogger alert

so i'm 75% finished with sock number one, and only 6 days to go. i think this will be a lost cause, as i'm working 3 jobs right now. i hope to finish these socks in feb. but i definitely will not be done before the torch is out. c'est la vie. i am very excited about finishing clappy, and working on my first sweater as soon as these bad boys are cast off. i will also have to undo the cast on edge, and use a different bind off on the first sock, as they are so tight i can't pull them up all the way. the regia stretch yarn worked wonderfully, and i am fairly pleased with the medium gray color, as it really highlights the leaves. on another front, i'm in love with the new spring interweave knits, and i need to decide what i'm going to knit first. this winter edition blew chunks, with a few exceptions... i have a pounding migraine right now, and 5 cups of coffee only stemmed the tide... i think another starbucks run is in order. 3 more shots of espresso should do me just fine.... good old refusing medication!

13.2.06

two days into the olympics

well..... i am into the lace motifs of my sock. yes, sock. singular. as in, i'm too dumb to figure out how to cast on 2 socks at once. i agonized over it, and tried and tried, but to no avail. so, i am knitting them one at a time. on the up side, once you get past the 18 rows of twisted 1x1 rib, the lace is easy. i must say though, i do not like the cast on method, as it leaves the co edge so tight... i think i will only be able to do a total of 6 repeats, 2 up top and 4 below. at any rate, tomorrow i shall knit like a fiend.
today was an odd day. we went up to dahlonega to see the in-laws, and spencer and i told them about their son in laws drug addiction. L and R have been hiding it from the in-laws, and neither of them had any idea. how do you explain, when Mom-in-law asked why L was still with him....? it's a jacked up situation, and the thing that drives me crazy is the selfrighteous snobbery that L so often spouts. how knitting is idolatry, and how she shouldn't read fiction, and should only read the bible, and yet she gets abused every day, and is convinvced that God would never forgive her if she left R. she told us, 3 years ago, when they first married that if he ever drank again, she'd leave him. well, he became a raging drunk. she also said, if he ever used drugs again, she'd leave him. can you guess what happened? busted for attempting to purchase cocaine from an undercover officer.... she's also said if he ever hit her, she'd leave him. somehow, i think that no matter what he does, she's in it forever. spencer and i prayed that he would get busted again, and sent away from a long time, because he's destroying her. i know that it's not very merciful to say that, but i wish she could get free from him. so yeah. knitting.

*sigh*

10.2.06

4:40 - two hours 20 minutes into the longest 16 days of my life

wellllll..... i started the socks. "the socks" i have cast on and knit the first two rows of the first sock, and i plan on casting on the other sock on the other circular. the pattern calls for two rows not knitted in the round, so i figured i should knit them on separate needles and then divide between the two. we'll see if i'm right. the yarn, regia stretch, is not the best i've used, so we'll see if i'm screaming curse words and pulling my hair out by the heel flap. other than that, i'm proud i'm trying it. i almost chickened out last night, when i was trying to figure out the 2 circular method. i think i've got it, at least in an academic sense.
today was supposed to be my cleaning day, and instead of cleaning, i was grouchy with spence for not leaving me the honda key. so, not only am i at home, i'm stuck at home, not cleaning. heh. guess that's why i'm blogging, surfing the internet, and generally being useless. and i felt really cute today, and wanted to show off my combat boots.... i think i'm supposed to learn humility or something, and that's why i'm here, getting my attitude adjusted. back to the socks... pics tonight when i get them divided up.

6.2.06

curiouser and curiouser

so tonight i got called into work. apparently, one of the shifts decided not to show up, and i was the only one available to close the store. when i get there, i find out that our asm is leaving in 2 weeks, and the girl we all thought would replace her got fired today. this is the same single mother of 2girls that i wrote about a few weeks ago... she got fired for continuously being late. she's been on some sort of probationary period and today showed up 2 hours late for her shift, with the regional manager and the district manager in the store at the time. this is all very tragic and sickening and yet expected all at the same time. so i don't know what's going on at the *$'s. i will write in more detail about other things i know, but i am not sure who reads this, and i don't want to say too much.
so on other fronts, my clappy is coming along nicely. i don't really have the patience to wait to drop stitches, so i've been dropping them all along. not nearly as gratifying, but still fun to see how it turns out. knitting with such small needles and sock yarn is killing me. i am much more of a super bulky instant results kind of knitter ( and spinner). so how is everyone coming on their olympics training? i have to learn the 2 circ method, but i will by golly. and i may even attempt both socks at once. we'll see. i'll probably crash and burn... some good old fashioned pessimism, huh? my wrists are killing me from the typing, and that's not good.... gotta run

my liesel was trying to run

the clap and other things

i am seriously worried about getting finished with the clap before the olympics start. i am only one repeat into the straight sections and i only did 3 increases. i seriously only wanted a scarf and not a shawl... knitting with sock yarn is difficult for me, as i have a hard time concentrating on regular scarves/shawls in larger yarns, let alone something knit on 3's.
and on the subject of small needles, i purchased my first set of addi's. i got 2 circulars in 0's to attempt my olympics socks. before the lighting of the torch, i have to learn how to knit on 2 circs. joy. on top of the challenge, i'm adding more challenge. i think that's what makes us better knitters and better people.
i was reading through my brother's blog, since we don't really communicate via anything other than electronic means. he had some really challenging things to say about discipline and what it means to walk as a believer. today came with a crushing blow from the Lord. i spent most of the drive to my in-laws crying as the realization of my own nature flooded over me. i have justified so many things that once would have sickened me. i have cried the tears of a liar and i know i have walked in Peter's courtyard. what does it mean to truly lay down your life and be crucified with Christ? i have turned instead to the world for comfort, because my own spirit was too tired to keep fighting my flesh. Jesus, help me. i really want to be able to walk away from this body of death and run into His arms. beyond just a spiritual experience or some temporary encounter, i want to really regain some of the passion i once had. but beyond the passion, i want character. i want to be able to live Christ everywhere i go, but a life lived in love, not judgement. love for the Lord, and not my own desires. and that's where Ryan's blog comes in. he was thinking about the necessities of discipline as believers in all aspects of our lives. i have griped about my weight gain, and how i've increased my weight by 50% since i got married. but you know, there is a root. i have walked away from my true sustenance, which was relationship with the Lord, and instead fed every desire my flesh threw at me. every single one. spencer and i are fasting, trying to regain a control over our flesh, trying to lay what little we can on the altar of the Lord, trying to hear His voice. it may be an attempt that for some, smacks of legalism, but i am desperate. at one time in my life, i was a flame of fire, and now i am broken, cursing His name in the courtyard of the world, trying to save my own precious skin. may He grant me the desire of my heart. which is to know Him. to die with Him and to live in Him.
this wasn't really about knitting, but there are so many other facets of my life that i'm trying to work out.
oh. and she who shall not be named is leaving our store soon. i really have to learn to let some things go. and i pray the Lord guides me on this walk.